No, 3D is by no means a new addition to the cinemas, and by no means is it a new fad to increase box office returns...but it did just that.
My Bloody Valentine was released in both a regular 2-D and 3-D release this previous friday with an incredible amount of anticipation from horror fans nation wide, including myself.
On the surface, MBV is a generic slasher with predictable plastered on its forehead, and by no means was setting expectations any higher then that. The film did have one thing going for it, and it was the addition of the 3-D...
.. Oh and does it fail! The third dimension never really jumps out at the audience. Any one who has been to an amusement park in the last 20 years has experience 3-D that is miles ahead of the crap that was sold as 3-D on this mess. I use the example of the muppets show attraction at Disney World or the Honey I shrank the Audience, where the image on the screen actually pertrudes and feels inches from your face. MBV however simply adds a feeling of depth, which i will give them credit for, since at times you do feel like you are a creep hiding in a bush watching the events of the film unfold. You can tell where the film makers intended certain CGI effects to shoot out at the audience, including an "eye ball gag" and thrown pick ax and a bullet in slow-mo, however the image veers off to the right just slightly, and then the audience is sadly reminded that they are in no great danger, and that the promised 3-D effects simply have failed.
Valentine is among a number of other current titles to get a 3-D release, including Bolt and Beowulf, Beowulf being the only other one I have seen in 3-D, with that said I make this statement- this 3-D technology is not working simply put, it just isn't. Any one looking to get their hats blown off, or their jaws dropped will be sadly dissapointed. The effect is simply lost and actually becomes distracting, I found myself hoping for a succesful gag, and realised it was never coming about 2 minutes from the credits.
Were you in a crummy theatre? You might ask... Did you have the glasses on wrong? the answer is no and no. I saw this film on a DLP projection screen and well...there aren't many ways to wear glasses wrong...
Now for the film...
My Bloody Valentine is the remake of the 80's cult classic gore fest, and although we have advanced tenfold in our film making capabilities since then...MBV some how works to set us back about 30 years by serving as little more then a made for TV sci-fi channel mess. Jensen Ackles plays our lead Tom Hanniger, the new owner of the towns life blood, a mine that his father used to own, and of course Tom wants to sell it because he had a run in with the mad pick ax weilding maniac 20 years prior. He tries to rekindle an old flame with little hottie Jamie King, who he used to date...but now is married to his old arch nemesis Axel, who is now the town's sherriff...yeah its that good...think lifetime original movie good. People start getting slashed, including Axel's old girlfriend, who after getting film banging a trucker in a shady old motel runs naked through the parking lot and through the motel owners personal living quarters...and I say quarters because the owner is only quarter sized...shes a little person. Axel starts an investigation that is laughable (allowing the prime suspect...Tom of course...to roam town freely), so laughable I was sure a six year old with a toy CSI kit could have solved about 3 years prior...
This film has more plot holes then solid story...more ridiculous story elements then an episode of desperate housewives... Like i said before, this film simply had one thing going for it, the attempted 3-D. There is no way in hell any one should venture near this film, especially if it isn't in 3-D.
Saving graces of this pile-
5 minutes of fairly hot nudity as Axel's ho lover runs naked through a parking lot...trying to get back a sex tape just made of her...so that no one will see her naked on it.. (you have to love the irony)
Midget Motel owner getting pick axed to the ceiling...
Drunk old guy with a locked and loaded shotty too hammered to use it..
Guess that is about it folks... I am sorry for really even wasting your time but I haven't been felt this screwed since Shamayalanananan's The Happening...yeah its that bad
I will be tackiling the Unborn...and I am going to try and write an article about the current state of Horror films.
Thanks for reading everyone...and have a happy valentine's day
Grade: D-
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